The doorbell rang. I hate it when the doorbell rings. It usually means that I forgot to leave the door unlocked for one of the neighbor kids, or as in this case it was a group of Christians. Not even Jehova Witnesses, who come once a month. A balding man with his bible in hand, his son (who looked to be about 9) and an older gentleman who I assumed was the balding mans father.
When I opened the door and saw them standing there I was instantly annoyed. Then his question to me, What do I think of the unrest in the Ukraine and did I think God had any thoughts on Peace? I was kind of dumbfounded really. I mean everyone knows that when there is Peace Jesus will come back and that will be that… So I said something to that effect and then finished with; “so I guess I’ll see you then” he started to read a scripture and I just said that I had something I was in the middle of and said good day.
I got back to my chair and I realized I really missed an opportunity. I missed the opportunity to invite him in my home. Where my wife was in the living room and decorations of our wedding seem to spew from everywhere. Whenever people such as them come to the door I always like to throw out the “we’re gay” card (Samantha lost hers, but mine is still intact.) For some reason I didn’t want to do that with his child there. I missed an opportunity.
I sat in my chair for quite a bit thinking about what I wish I had done and wondered the different directions it could have gone. I missed an opportunity.
I assumed that we were on opposite sides of the gay fence because he carried a bible. I carry a bible. I read the bible daily. He came to my door and because he had a bible, I was annoyed, defensive, inhospitable and probably just shy of rude.
This then got me to thinking about his question to me, about my thoughts of what God thinks of Peace… I think God is patiently waiting for us to get over ourselves. SERIOUSLY… we are so hung up on this book a book you can use to sway just about in argument in both directions, a book that I think we are supposed to question and talk about. Instead we use it against people who don’t believe the same way you do. No matter what it is.
So without getting long and drawn out Maybe what God is waiting for is for us as a collective of humans to quit bickering about who’s book is right or what this passage is saying about this or that and just invite people in. Without judgement from either side. That man didn’t say anything offensive to me, I just assumed he would because he was carrying a bible.
SAD… Wrong… gonna change it.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
What???
I didn’t play with dolls much as a kid. I liked being outside, the dirtier the better. If I wasn’t hoping on my horse John pretending to be Laura Ingalls then I was in the middle of a dirt pile playing with trucks, or pretending to be cowboys or indians. I rode my bike and played in the creek. I owned a barbie and I think at my mothers house my one doll that I actually ever played with is still in existence; however, her hair, well I was never going to be a stylist.
I did the normal stuff through school; dated, dances, movies, ballgames, etc. I had lots of friends both girls and boys. I had dreams of the wedding, the house with the picket fence etc. Only I never remember wanting to “have” kids, I mean I’d have kids but I knew that I wouldn’t actually “have”them. Sex scared the crap out of me. Intimacy scared me. By the time I was out of high school a few years I had realized that I wasn’t ever going to be the girl that got married and had the american dream; the house the kids, the dogs, the cars, the vacations; the man. I had decided that I would be happy to live my life alone.
Then something happened, I met a woman. WHAT?! Never on my radar. Not something, really, truly, that I had ever expected or contemplated for that sake. When she touched my hand my insides quivered. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
We began dating, I guess that’s what we did. The more I was around her the more I knew that this was the person I was supposed to be with. This is why I’m not comfortable with men. I’m a Lesbian! WOW that was crazy. 28 years had passed since I took my first breath and yet my lungs had never felt so full. My heart had never beat so fast. My smile never shined so far. I was actually in love and it was amazing.
For some reason I wasn’t scared of my new realization about myself. I wasn’t really worried about what people would think. However, I didn’t shout it from the roof tops either. I just kind’a started doing my thing no different then I would with any other person I had dated. I started bringing her to dinners and gatherings. Never introduced as my girlfriend, but I didn’t introduce boyfriends as boyfriends either. I started going to her family functions as well. We never said anything about us, being in a relationship, we let others decide that on their own.
We moved in together about eight months later and I started going to to church with her. I had never been a GOD person and I had no understanding at all why she would want to go to a place where once they find out who you are they won’t like you. So, in true Kim form, I wrote a letter to the pastor. Explaining that we are in fact a lesbian couple, living together and if that wasn’t going to to be okay then I couldn’t continue to come to this Church. I never got a response, so the next time I was at Church, I confronted the pastor. She was wonderful, pulled me into her office and told me her feelings on gay issues and that I should feel very welcomed there, at her Church Creator Lutheran.
So we went. We sat in the same place, left back corner, by the side door for easy escape. Never needed the escape. Years went by and we continued to go, however not getting real involved but loving it. Then this discussion starts up about RIC (Reconciling in Christ), about being openly welcoming to Gays and the like.
Okay for the first time I was scared. OUT OF MY MIND!!!! Here we are two lesbians who have been going to this church for several years now, like almost ten by then. Now you’re going to start talking about being accepting of GAYS???? WTF? At first I was really against the whole thing. Let’s just keep things going they way they are, seriously. We went to meetings… I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in a circle in the sanctuary having a discussion about whether or not we want to be a congregation who wants to be openly accepting. A man saying that he didn’t know any gay people… I could feel Samantha tense because she knew what I was going to do. I was going to out us, in church.
I waited patiently for him to finish talking. I felt this little kid in me just waiting to come out with a neenner neener neener, you know gay people and you didn’t even know it, chant… Instead I simply said, “You actually do know gay people. Samantha and I are gay.” I didn’t look at him after I said it, I wasn’t saying it to be a complete jerk, I said it because all this time he didn’t know. This was someone that I actually talked to quit a bit, how did he not know???
The year of conversations about RIC finally ended and it was time to vote. It was frightening to get up and go to Church that day. Have you ever been voted on? Have you ever had a big group of people put your life in their hands and vote, on you? Now, I know it’s bigger than just Samantha and I, but it doesn’t feel that way. There was so much activity, honestly, it could have been the same amount as any other vote, but it was a lot. The ballots were passed and people started filling them out. The president of the council was trying to get people to pay attention so that we could talk about it before the vote but the congregation was having none of it. They just wanted to vote and get it counted. So they did and Creator Lutheran Church in Clackamas, Oregon would now be and RIC congregation. They voted on us and we won. THANK YOU GOD.
Jump ahead a few years and now here we go again. Our Washington State Legislature voted and approved the right to marry in Washington State. On that day Samantha and I, knowing full well that in the end this would be put on the ballot, and once again, We would be Voted on. So we decided right then, we are getting married and we are getting married in our church so with a post on Facebook it was on.
We married in our Church on October 6, 2012. It was the most amazing day. Even with all the heart ache and break, from family mostly, for Christian reasons. It hurts to write that. It actually makes me cry, but it’s true. You can not fully measure the pain that is caused when family is hateful towards your relationship and when they use God as the reason. WOW does it sting like no other type of sting. When they don’t show up for you because of who you love. WOW. When they try and equate it to a hypothetical of my not being supportive of them if they were to run for an elected position with the platform of no gay marriage. Are you kidding? It hurts. It hurts when you go to another wedding and most of the people who wouldn’t support you at your own wedding are there and they look at you with that smirk that says, see if you would have married a man…
We aren’t equal we aren’t even on the same ladder.
So after a day that will always stand out in my mind as the best day of my life, filled with so much Joy, Love and GOD. We went home and waited for the State of Washington to vote on us. Will we really get to have a legally recognized marriage? YES, YES we will and yes, yes we did. On December 9, 2012 Samantha and I once again pledged a love forever with our Pastor and with the blessing of our Lord and Savior.
Jump again to June of 2013 with the repeal of DOMA and everything is just moving as it should for Human Rights.
Now here we are the end of January 2014 and the State across the river, Oregon, will be voting on Equal Rights to Marriage in November. They need help from all kinds to get the word out. They need people, communities, leaders, you and maybe most importantly they need support from Churches.
You see religion has a bad wrap on social justice issues. Churches are seen as places to keep hate alive. How can this be okay? I get that it’s easier to stand silent with your conviction, but how can you stand by as a group of people who believe in God, in Jesus and not stand up for him? How can you allow others to make people believe that Jesus doesn’t love them, that Churches won’t accept them? I don’t understand this? I can’t make it make sense. You don’t want to get political? Then shut your doors. The churches that are political that are stepping out spewing hate, you’re no better than them. If you don’t stand against it, you stand for it. When you allow yourself to be aligned with Religious organizations that say no, you too are saying no. And by not standing up and saying something different, you are telling every Gay person out there that really, you’re just like the rest and can’t really be trusted. Jesus stood up, he stood up all the time. He didn’t care that he would be seen as political. He stood up because it’s wrong not to. It’s wrong to stand by quietly and watch in horror as other Churches degrade humans because of LOVE. IT’S WRONG.
It’s time to stand up to injustice. As a Church, as a Congregation ,as a People; who believe that the lessons taught were lessons of LOVE not HATE. So stand up for that. Put your name on LOVE!
Don’t be afraid of being “political” the only reason it’s political is because someone told you I’m not as human as you and you believed them.
I guess ask yourself honestly... What Would Jesus Do?
I'm going to continue to live my life. Care for my wife and our friend Tara (who experiences Autism). I'll continue to have the kids from the neighborhood run through my house on the way the freezer for a freezer pop. I'll continue to go on vacations and care for my dogs. I have the house and in Washington I have the dream!!! My childhood dream came true. I wish for everyone to have that great experience, without the hate and the votes. We need to just get this done! We need for Churches who believe we are equal to step forward and say so. We NEED IT.
I did the normal stuff through school; dated, dances, movies, ballgames, etc. I had lots of friends both girls and boys. I had dreams of the wedding, the house with the picket fence etc. Only I never remember wanting to “have” kids, I mean I’d have kids but I knew that I wouldn’t actually “have”them. Sex scared the crap out of me. Intimacy scared me. By the time I was out of high school a few years I had realized that I wasn’t ever going to be the girl that got married and had the american dream; the house the kids, the dogs, the cars, the vacations; the man. I had decided that I would be happy to live my life alone.
Then something happened, I met a woman. WHAT?! Never on my radar. Not something, really, truly, that I had ever expected or contemplated for that sake. When she touched my hand my insides quivered. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
We began dating, I guess that’s what we did. The more I was around her the more I knew that this was the person I was supposed to be with. This is why I’m not comfortable with men. I’m a Lesbian! WOW that was crazy. 28 years had passed since I took my first breath and yet my lungs had never felt so full. My heart had never beat so fast. My smile never shined so far. I was actually in love and it was amazing.
For some reason I wasn’t scared of my new realization about myself. I wasn’t really worried about what people would think. However, I didn’t shout it from the roof tops either. I just kind’a started doing my thing no different then I would with any other person I had dated. I started bringing her to dinners and gatherings. Never introduced as my girlfriend, but I didn’t introduce boyfriends as boyfriends either. I started going to her family functions as well. We never said anything about us, being in a relationship, we let others decide that on their own.
We moved in together about eight months later and I started going to to church with her. I had never been a GOD person and I had no understanding at all why she would want to go to a place where once they find out who you are they won’t like you. So, in true Kim form, I wrote a letter to the pastor. Explaining that we are in fact a lesbian couple, living together and if that wasn’t going to to be okay then I couldn’t continue to come to this Church. I never got a response, so the next time I was at Church, I confronted the pastor. She was wonderful, pulled me into her office and told me her feelings on gay issues and that I should feel very welcomed there, at her Church Creator Lutheran.
So we went. We sat in the same place, left back corner, by the side door for easy escape. Never needed the escape. Years went by and we continued to go, however not getting real involved but loving it. Then this discussion starts up about RIC (Reconciling in Christ), about being openly welcoming to Gays and the like.
Okay for the first time I was scared. OUT OF MY MIND!!!! Here we are two lesbians who have been going to this church for several years now, like almost ten by then. Now you’re going to start talking about being accepting of GAYS???? WTF? At first I was really against the whole thing. Let’s just keep things going they way they are, seriously. We went to meetings… I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in a circle in the sanctuary having a discussion about whether or not we want to be a congregation who wants to be openly accepting. A man saying that he didn’t know any gay people… I could feel Samantha tense because she knew what I was going to do. I was going to out us, in church.
I waited patiently for him to finish talking. I felt this little kid in me just waiting to come out with a neenner neener neener, you know gay people and you didn’t even know it, chant… Instead I simply said, “You actually do know gay people. Samantha and I are gay.” I didn’t look at him after I said it, I wasn’t saying it to be a complete jerk, I said it because all this time he didn’t know. This was someone that I actually talked to quit a bit, how did he not know???
The year of conversations about RIC finally ended and it was time to vote. It was frightening to get up and go to Church that day. Have you ever been voted on? Have you ever had a big group of people put your life in their hands and vote, on you? Now, I know it’s bigger than just Samantha and I, but it doesn’t feel that way. There was so much activity, honestly, it could have been the same amount as any other vote, but it was a lot. The ballots were passed and people started filling them out. The president of the council was trying to get people to pay attention so that we could talk about it before the vote but the congregation was having none of it. They just wanted to vote and get it counted. So they did and Creator Lutheran Church in Clackamas, Oregon would now be and RIC congregation. They voted on us and we won. THANK YOU GOD.
Jump ahead a few years and now here we go again. Our Washington State Legislature voted and approved the right to marry in Washington State. On that day Samantha and I, knowing full well that in the end this would be put on the ballot, and once again, We would be Voted on. So we decided right then, we are getting married and we are getting married in our church so with a post on Facebook it was on.
We married in our Church on October 6, 2012. It was the most amazing day. Even with all the heart ache and break, from family mostly, for Christian reasons. It hurts to write that. It actually makes me cry, but it’s true. You can not fully measure the pain that is caused when family is hateful towards your relationship and when they use God as the reason. WOW does it sting like no other type of sting. When they don’t show up for you because of who you love. WOW. When they try and equate it to a hypothetical of my not being supportive of them if they were to run for an elected position with the platform of no gay marriage. Are you kidding? It hurts. It hurts when you go to another wedding and most of the people who wouldn’t support you at your own wedding are there and they look at you with that smirk that says, see if you would have married a man…
We aren’t equal we aren’t even on the same ladder.
So after a day that will always stand out in my mind as the best day of my life, filled with so much Joy, Love and GOD. We went home and waited for the State of Washington to vote on us. Will we really get to have a legally recognized marriage? YES, YES we will and yes, yes we did. On December 9, 2012 Samantha and I once again pledged a love forever with our Pastor and with the blessing of our Lord and Savior.
Jump again to June of 2013 with the repeal of DOMA and everything is just moving as it should for Human Rights.
Now here we are the end of January 2014 and the State across the river, Oregon, will be voting on Equal Rights to Marriage in November. They need help from all kinds to get the word out. They need people, communities, leaders, you and maybe most importantly they need support from Churches.
You see religion has a bad wrap on social justice issues. Churches are seen as places to keep hate alive. How can this be okay? I get that it’s easier to stand silent with your conviction, but how can you stand by as a group of people who believe in God, in Jesus and not stand up for him? How can you allow others to make people believe that Jesus doesn’t love them, that Churches won’t accept them? I don’t understand this? I can’t make it make sense. You don’t want to get political? Then shut your doors. The churches that are political that are stepping out spewing hate, you’re no better than them. If you don’t stand against it, you stand for it. When you allow yourself to be aligned with Religious organizations that say no, you too are saying no. And by not standing up and saying something different, you are telling every Gay person out there that really, you’re just like the rest and can’t really be trusted. Jesus stood up, he stood up all the time. He didn’t care that he would be seen as political. He stood up because it’s wrong not to. It’s wrong to stand by quietly and watch in horror as other Churches degrade humans because of LOVE. IT’S WRONG.
It’s time to stand up to injustice. As a Church, as a Congregation ,as a People; who believe that the lessons taught were lessons of LOVE not HATE. So stand up for that. Put your name on LOVE!
Don’t be afraid of being “political” the only reason it’s political is because someone told you I’m not as human as you and you believed them.
I guess ask yourself honestly... What Would Jesus Do?
I'm going to continue to live my life. Care for my wife and our friend Tara (who experiences Autism). I'll continue to have the kids from the neighborhood run through my house on the way the freezer for a freezer pop. I'll continue to go on vacations and care for my dogs. I have the house and in Washington I have the dream!!! My childhood dream came true. I wish for everyone to have that great experience, without the hate and the votes. We need to just get this done! We need for Churches who believe we are equal to step forward and say so. We NEED IT.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Oh What a Year.
By the end of today, 2013 will be a memory. It was a tough year. It was an amazing year. When I think of the tragedies of 2013, the things that got me down the most, I see death. There was a lot of death this year. Atoms, stings constantly. The pain it causes people on a daily basis is just, heartbreaking. The accusations, guilt, questions, lies, etc they eat people up; they don’t even realize it. Everyone wants to be able to grieve in their way, yet get upset by how others are grieving. Expectation and grief shouldn’t be put in the same sentence. I will never forget where I was or how I reacted when we found out. I knew death was coming, I just didn’t expect it to be him. That kid was a special one to me. We all failed him and instead of blaming each other we should be loving each other. Instead of blaming ourselves we should be loving ourselves. Learn. 19 and dead, because of his actions. It’s inexcusable; unforgivable. It’s just wondering who’s actions are really the inexcusable and unforgivable. None of us “belong here”, we all have feelings of doubt; of shame. It’s Love and telling each other what they mean to us. It’s Kindness.
Then we move into the most despicable behavior I’ve witnessed right next to an incredible amount of grace. I thought this sort of thing was a staged Jerry Springer type event. I didn’t realize that in the face of a dying family member people could be so cruel. It truly does show what ignorance does to perception. I lost a lot of respect for people in those days. What I gained was more though. To see grace performed right in front of me. While constantly being criticized and bullied, I saw a daughter who put her dying mothers needs before her own. I saw a daughter loose her last immediate family member while her extended family treated her with hate and disgust. I saw a daughter swallow her pride, sense of self, to do what was best for her mother. I saw grace in action. Then when all was said and done and decisions were voiced; a mother, obviously proud of what she heard, slipped away. It was beautiful and erased the ugly for a moment.
Death was everywhere, my grandmother, Cherry; Cousin, Elaine; Aunt, Donna; Childhood hero, David; and as embarrassing as this is I know I’m missing a couple. It just seemed to never end! I should also add that there were some pretty hard pet losses this year, not ours, but heartbreaking.
We had health scares this year as well as just health issues. Ourselves and our family and friends. Relationships lost, gained, strained and otherwise tampered with. Family Feuds to Newlyweds maybe this year was just a gameshow. Throw a kidney stone with surgical removal in the mix and you’ll get the gist of the year. (Please don’t ever tell me that I will have to wait 2 wks with that much pain, because I think you’re serious.)
So, when I think of 2013 my first thought is… Good riddance. Then, my head tips back, my lips softly curl up and I can feel my eyes smile. It was an amazing year. Samantha and I completed our first year as a Legally Married couple and are now FEDERALLY RECOGNIZED AS MARRIED, with the defeat of DOMA. AMAZING. We went on some wonderful vacations this year and experienced a new activity that is sure to be an annual must. (HellsGate River Tour, so much fun.) We enjoyed Disneyland FIRSTS. One with my friend and her family; On that trip we crossed off one of Samantha’s bucket list items by riding in The Lilly Belle Caboose. Yep, I’m awesome. We spent time with Samantha’s brother and his family and enjoyed Sophia’s first trip to Disneyland. It was the most magical time. I didn’t want to leave. Samantha and her brother, they just seemed to fit. It was very nice to see that for my wife. For the first time we went to Disneyland with the Maginnis’ and it was fabulous. It is a trip I will hold dear in my heart, spent with great people. People who understood the pain we were going through, with finding out about Atom, yet we still had the most amazing time. Cherished. I also was able to take a trip with my mom, friend and Tara to Disneyland. The highlight there was that in Sacramento Tara met a homeless man that seemed to really touch her spirit. It was cool and I have a photo.
We traveled for days and spent Easter with Jan and Mike in AZ. We met and had dinner with Steven and family; nerves on high and I was sick as a dog. We enjoyed Southern Utah with our good friends and took Bryce to Bryce Canyon. The year is good.
We refinanced our home as a MARRIED COUPLE and decreased our payment. AMAZING. Samantha is making huge strides with the Elder Justice Center. I mean things are good.
There’s more that happened and these really aren’t even the biggest events but they make a point to me. I’ve been studying Ecclesiastes quite a bit and it seems to be true. This wise teacher says, and I’m using my words here, It doesn’t matter what you do, what you own, what you did it’s all smoke and pissing in the wind. What matters is enjoying the people in your life. Drinking, eating, laughing, crying, experiencing. That’s what matters because in the end, we are all just going to turn back into earth.
Then we move into the most despicable behavior I’ve witnessed right next to an incredible amount of grace. I thought this sort of thing was a staged Jerry Springer type event. I didn’t realize that in the face of a dying family member people could be so cruel. It truly does show what ignorance does to perception. I lost a lot of respect for people in those days. What I gained was more though. To see grace performed right in front of me. While constantly being criticized and bullied, I saw a daughter who put her dying mothers needs before her own. I saw a daughter loose her last immediate family member while her extended family treated her with hate and disgust. I saw a daughter swallow her pride, sense of self, to do what was best for her mother. I saw grace in action. Then when all was said and done and decisions were voiced; a mother, obviously proud of what she heard, slipped away. It was beautiful and erased the ugly for a moment.
Death was everywhere, my grandmother, Cherry; Cousin, Elaine; Aunt, Donna; Childhood hero, David; and as embarrassing as this is I know I’m missing a couple. It just seemed to never end! I should also add that there were some pretty hard pet losses this year, not ours, but heartbreaking.
We had health scares this year as well as just health issues. Ourselves and our family and friends. Relationships lost, gained, strained and otherwise tampered with. Family Feuds to Newlyweds maybe this year was just a gameshow. Throw a kidney stone with surgical removal in the mix and you’ll get the gist of the year. (Please don’t ever tell me that I will have to wait 2 wks with that much pain, because I think you’re serious.)
So, when I think of 2013 my first thought is… Good riddance. Then, my head tips back, my lips softly curl up and I can feel my eyes smile. It was an amazing year. Samantha and I completed our first year as a Legally Married couple and are now FEDERALLY RECOGNIZED AS MARRIED, with the defeat of DOMA. AMAZING. We went on some wonderful vacations this year and experienced a new activity that is sure to be an annual must. (HellsGate River Tour, so much fun.) We enjoyed Disneyland FIRSTS. One with my friend and her family; On that trip we crossed off one of Samantha’s bucket list items by riding in The Lilly Belle Caboose. Yep, I’m awesome. We spent time with Samantha’s brother and his family and enjoyed Sophia’s first trip to Disneyland. It was the most magical time. I didn’t want to leave. Samantha and her brother, they just seemed to fit. It was very nice to see that for my wife. For the first time we went to Disneyland with the Maginnis’ and it was fabulous. It is a trip I will hold dear in my heart, spent with great people. People who understood the pain we were going through, with finding out about Atom, yet we still had the most amazing time. Cherished. I also was able to take a trip with my mom, friend and Tara to Disneyland. The highlight there was that in Sacramento Tara met a homeless man that seemed to really touch her spirit. It was cool and I have a photo.
We traveled for days and spent Easter with Jan and Mike in AZ. We met and had dinner with Steven and family; nerves on high and I was sick as a dog. We enjoyed Southern Utah with our good friends and took Bryce to Bryce Canyon. The year is good.
We refinanced our home as a MARRIED COUPLE and decreased our payment. AMAZING. Samantha is making huge strides with the Elder Justice Center. I mean things are good.
There’s more that happened and these really aren’t even the biggest events but they make a point to me. I’ve been studying Ecclesiastes quite a bit and it seems to be true. This wise teacher says, and I’m using my words here, It doesn’t matter what you do, what you own, what you did it’s all smoke and pissing in the wind. What matters is enjoying the people in your life. Drinking, eating, laughing, crying, experiencing. That’s what matters because in the end, we are all just going to turn back into earth.
So we need to quit judging each other for the way we go through life. We need to remember that everyone is on a journey that may have nothing to do with you. I love the people in my life and what this year has truly shown me is that my world is too big. I disappoint so many people because I truly want to be a friend to everyone, but I’m not capable. I’ve changed the way I look at things, and it has changed my stress level. I’m not saying I’m stress free but I’d like to think I’m moving towards a huge decrease. With that I also hope to decrease symptoms.
2013 has definitely been a year of reflection and self awareness. A lot of awareness of my inadequacies. Being married, has changed my focus. Not something I was aware would happen. The first year of marriage was the hardest in our 15 years together. I don’t know for sure what it was but it wasn’t good on either side. Expectations, not defined or known; maybe. It has certainly made me more aware of how my actions and reactions affect the flow of the house. I’ve tried to change from being completely selfish in the relationship to living for her. I’ve realized in doing that that my reality with her is better. Smiling it’s my favorite. She is my most important relationship and I’m happy to have her.
So as I say goodbye to year I’m ready to forget in one breath and gleeful about the next; as I look forward to 2014. I hope to continue working on me, my anxieties, health etc. I look forward to spending time with more smiles and tears from laughter than from pain. So for 2014 I resolve, to be the best me I can. To never think in my head “I should really go do…” and then not go do it. I resolve to quit thinking about the person I want to be and to just start being the person I want to be.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Lucky
Lucky Strikes a brand developed a hunded years before my birth, first as a chewing tobacco, later a cigarette. The first memories I have of my dad always have that white, red and black package in it. I remember Robin would make baskets, rings, necklaces, all sorts of different things with the packages when he was done smoking them. They were hardcore cigarettes, no filter, just a straight shot at Cancer and at the very least emphysema. He quit smoking Luckys and moved to a softer, Camel with a filter before finally quitting all together. In the end it didn't matter, in the end his heart and lungs couldn't take all the punishment he had doled out over 40 - 50 years of smoking.
He knew it would kill him and ever since he came into my life, I knew too. He talked a lot about how young he would be when his last breath would be.
Now a little more than a year after his death I find myself in search of and collecting Lucky Strike memorabilia. Why?!!! This stuff killed my dad why on earth do I feel the need to have it close.
It was the thing that he chose over all else to love the most and the best. He didn't realize the choice he was making, not at first anyway. Warnings came out, there were Smoke Outs, all kinds of government involvement to help us, him to save himself.
So now I search out the very thing that killed him. I get excited when I find something, makes me feel closer to him, to hold something he loved, he had to have.
Makes me wonder… What is the thing that will do that same thing to a child who has grown up around me. Slurpees? Disney Stuff? Food? makes me realize. I need to be more because the last thing I want to bring those who love me to is CRAP. I want it to be God, Nature, Animals. I want the item that brings me to death to be natural not man made with high fructose corn syrup or some item make in China or Hong Kong.
I want the thing that people cling to bring light to them. I need to change. I need to change.
He knew it would kill him and ever since he came into my life, I knew too. He talked a lot about how young he would be when his last breath would be.
Now a little more than a year after his death I find myself in search of and collecting Lucky Strike memorabilia. Why?!!! This stuff killed my dad why on earth do I feel the need to have it close.
It was the thing that he chose over all else to love the most and the best. He didn't realize the choice he was making, not at first anyway. Warnings came out, there were Smoke Outs, all kinds of government involvement to help us, him to save himself.
So now I search out the very thing that killed him. I get excited when I find something, makes me feel closer to him, to hold something he loved, he had to have.
Makes me wonder… What is the thing that will do that same thing to a child who has grown up around me. Slurpees? Disney Stuff? Food? makes me realize. I need to be more because the last thing I want to bring those who love me to is CRAP. I want it to be God, Nature, Animals. I want the item that brings me to death to be natural not man made with high fructose corn syrup or some item make in China or Hong Kong.
I want the thing that people cling to bring light to them. I need to change. I need to change.
Monday, December 31, 2012
December 31, 2012
What a year it has been. A year of firsts. Firsts for my family, first for Samantha and I, firsts for our state, firsts for many. We rung in the New Year missing one of the most influential people in my life, it was the first beginning without my dad. Many firsts for my mom. First nights alone, then nights here and finally nights in her new home. I have great confidence that Robin (my dad) is smiling on all the successes of my mothers first year without him. There is great sadness but with faith we all have felt great Joy!
In February the State legislature voted to allow same sex couples the right to marry. WOWOOWWOOOWWW. What else can be said?! Of course our excitement was tempered by signature gatherers to place a referendum on the ballot. Samantha and I decided we would run with what we had been given. We decided that evening to Marry, in our church, we were afraid that if the referendum failed that the wind would surely leave our sails. So with a gentle push we chose October 6th to commit ourselves to one another in the eyes of God and in front of those who matter most. God's eyes surely did shine upon us. Everything was perfect for our special day, from the weather to my unexpected (by me), expected (by everyone else) tears of pure Joy. I had no idea a person could feel so much Love. It was the greatest day of my life and one I will cherish through my last breath. On November 6 the people voted. We rejoiced as the numbers to approve out numbered those who would choose for us to never realize the sanctity of marriage. December 6, Samantha and I stood in line to be the 10th marriage license in Clark Co. We were nervous there would be protests and because of that our good friend Chuck chaperoned us. There were NO protests at any licensing office in Washington State that day. The people spoke and peace was recognized. On Dec 9 Pastor Dayle made the journey across the bridge and joined us legally. Amazing.
There were trips and visits with friends. There were ups and downs but all in all 2012 was an exceptional year for me personally.
The tragedies that unfolded in our world are beyond mind blowing. With the tragedies it seems there is always a rebirth of human kindness and a willingness to try and be better. I hope that our memories keep the thoughts in our hearts at the forefront in 2013. There is much to be learned by the tragic decisions some people made. (I don't consider myself a violent person or a gun advocating individual but I do worry that taking guns from the hands of law abiding citizens will not have an affect on those who have no fear of said laws.) One thing I have learned from the tragedies is that we are a people of sensationalism fed by media with no care for our well being. I remember when I was a kid reading older papers from my grandparents youth. When the story in the local paper actually said that "Billy went to his aunts for the weekend" really, this is the news I want to know. I want to know the stories of happiness, success, love, joy, but apparently that doesn't sell papers anymore. We have turned into gawkers of the accidents of life. We feel better about ourselves not because of the good we did but instead because we are better than those poor schmucks on the tube, whether its the news, reality tv or Jerry Springer. We are a nation that feels it's okay to put a young kid and her "hillbilly" family on TV allowing them to think they are stars while all the while they are being made fun of by their "fans".
It disgusts me and I am done with it.
SO here's my Resolve for 2013. I am turning off the News, the reality shows and anything that promotes fear, bad behavior and sensationalism. The Mayans predicted a change; I intend to change.
I intend to be the person my dog believes I am.
I'm ready 2013!
What a year it has been. A year of firsts. Firsts for my family, first for Samantha and I, firsts for our state, firsts for many. We rung in the New Year missing one of the most influential people in my life, it was the first beginning without my dad. Many firsts for my mom. First nights alone, then nights here and finally nights in her new home. I have great confidence that Robin (my dad) is smiling on all the successes of my mothers first year without him. There is great sadness but with faith we all have felt great Joy!
In February the State legislature voted to allow same sex couples the right to marry. WOWOOWWOOOWWW. What else can be said?! Of course our excitement was tempered by signature gatherers to place a referendum on the ballot. Samantha and I decided we would run with what we had been given. We decided that evening to Marry, in our church, we were afraid that if the referendum failed that the wind would surely leave our sails. So with a gentle push we chose October 6th to commit ourselves to one another in the eyes of God and in front of those who matter most. God's eyes surely did shine upon us. Everything was perfect for our special day, from the weather to my unexpected (by me), expected (by everyone else) tears of pure Joy. I had no idea a person could feel so much Love. It was the greatest day of my life and one I will cherish through my last breath. On November 6 the people voted. We rejoiced as the numbers to approve out numbered those who would choose for us to never realize the sanctity of marriage. December 6, Samantha and I stood in line to be the 10th marriage license in Clark Co. We were nervous there would be protests and because of that our good friend Chuck chaperoned us. There were NO protests at any licensing office in Washington State that day. The people spoke and peace was recognized. On Dec 9 Pastor Dayle made the journey across the bridge and joined us legally. Amazing.
There were trips and visits with friends. There were ups and downs but all in all 2012 was an exceptional year for me personally.
The tragedies that unfolded in our world are beyond mind blowing. With the tragedies it seems there is always a rebirth of human kindness and a willingness to try and be better. I hope that our memories keep the thoughts in our hearts at the forefront in 2013. There is much to be learned by the tragic decisions some people made. (I don't consider myself a violent person or a gun advocating individual but I do worry that taking guns from the hands of law abiding citizens will not have an affect on those who have no fear of said laws.) One thing I have learned from the tragedies is that we are a people of sensationalism fed by media with no care for our well being. I remember when I was a kid reading older papers from my grandparents youth. When the story in the local paper actually said that "Billy went to his aunts for the weekend" really, this is the news I want to know. I want to know the stories of happiness, success, love, joy, but apparently that doesn't sell papers anymore. We have turned into gawkers of the accidents of life. We feel better about ourselves not because of the good we did but instead because we are better than those poor schmucks on the tube, whether its the news, reality tv or Jerry Springer. We are a nation that feels it's okay to put a young kid and her "hillbilly" family on TV allowing them to think they are stars while all the while they are being made fun of by their "fans".
It disgusts me and I am done with it.
SO here's my Resolve for 2013. I am turning off the News, the reality shows and anything that promotes fear, bad behavior and sensationalism. The Mayans predicted a change; I intend to change.
I intend to be the person my dog believes I am.
I'm ready 2013!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
PRIDE
Pride: When you hear this word what do you think of? A feeling of happiness in a job well done? A group of Lions? A Parade? Conceit? Do you see a person with a puffed up chest walking by thinking they are better? Do you see a child kicking a ball into a goal for the first time? Do you see flamboyance and acting out? Is Pride a good thing or a bad thing? All questions I find interesting. We are told throughout our childhood that we should have pride in ourselves and our possessions. It seems though that when you really look at pride it doesn't seem as though it's something to necessarily be proud of. Reading versus from the Bible leads you to believe that it is boastful and something to be brought down from. That thinking highly of oneself is not a quality to that should be strived for. Hummm, so how do we reconcile this? How can we have pride in ourselves without being boastful or conceited or can we? I think that the verses from the Bible about pride that I enjoy the most comes from Romans Chapter 12. Paul makes an appeal to us on how to live as a Christian and follow Jesus. He asks us to "present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God-- what is good and acceptable and perfect." It seems to me that Paul is asking us to not only give ourselves freely to God and to live as he would have us live, but also to realize that falling in line with others and going with the crowd is not always the way to follow him. That we must continually be transformed by renewing our minds to discern what is the will of God, or that we must continually move forward with our thinking and acceptance to be in the hand of God.
Paul goes on to say, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and not all the members have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually we are members one of another. We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness. So here is where pride comes in; "not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned" So again to think highly of yourself or to put yourself on a pedestal seems to be looked down upon. We are to remember that we are just one cell of the being of God and that we all have an important function. To fight amongst each other or to say that my purpose is greater than yours creates a cancer in the body. I make up a small portion and so do you. Our dealings with one another determines our effectiveness, we may not have the same vision but we must have love for one another, we must have acceptance, we must have pride in one another. To be proud of you I am able to shine in my duties so that maybe you or another may be proud of me.
Well that was a long way to get to the point here. When I think of Pride I have a vision of a boastful man with his chest pumped out and beams of light surrounding him and my feelings towards that vision are not complimentary.
On the other side I also think "Parade" I think of a whole group of Prideful cells getting together. With overdone hair, flamboyant gestures and all that is gaudy. I think of men dressed in drag, dykes on bikes and public displays of affection. I think in your face and I hear in my head "we're here, we're queer, get used to it!" Last year, I with members of my church, friends and my partner, for the first time walked in the PRIDE PARADE. I was nervous to be a part of the above mentioned "Parade" because what I had seen or heard of the "Parade" brought the visions I expressed above. I had been a spectator at the "Parade" a couple of times and Saw and Heard it all. Here's the funny thing though. I went to the Pride Parade with Pride which in turn means with Judgment. I went thinking I was better than those GAYS, I'm not in your face, flamboyant or a dyke with a bike. I don't need to put myself out there like that to be who I am. And as I sat on the curb watching all the "Gays" go by I saw what I expected to see, my eyes were open but they were very closed as well. I was not renewing my mind to discern the will of God. It wasn't until I walked with this Prideful group, it wasn't until I really looked into the faces of the spectators and participants, it wasn't until I felt love and non judgement that I opened my mind to renewing. I saw things and grew to understand that these are not things to be afraid of or to have judgment over. That the Pride on the streets isn't a pedestal that these beautiful people put themselves on individually. Instead Pride is about the organism as a whole each individual cell coming together showing that Love and Acceptance is Gods Will. Its children smiling, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, friends, acquaintances and strangers together for one purpose. It was an amazing experience to be part of that purpose last year. To walk and look at the crowd instead of being part of the crowd. To invite people to join us. To look into the eyes of a people so misunderstood and see nothing but acceptance for us. Now remember I am walking with my church. Christians on the whole have not been, well, nice. Yet, we were accepted, just the way we were. I didn't have a shirt on that said hey not only am I part of Creator Lutheran, I'm also Gay. No one knew for sure or not if I was or wasn't and yet I saw acceptance. I heard "Thank You!" I hope that I have grown over the last year, I think I have. It's easy to forget or maybe hard to remember, that we have a tendency to see what we want to see instead of what is actually there. With our own Pride we bring judgment and with judgment we bring cancer to the body of God. Remember what Paul said? We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness. My gift, your gift, their gift; it's something to think about. Start thinking about the gifts those whom you feel you have Pride over bring to God and change from Pride in yourself to Pride in others. It's an amazing change.
We will be walking once again with our Creator Lutheran Church June 17, join us. Renew your mind and discern the will of God!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Where does the time go
March FIRST… Goodness where does the time go. Last week I was in Maui, with 80 degree days, ocean, swimsuit, snorkeling with turtles and watching Humpback Whales. Today, there's about 1.5 inches of snow on the ground. Schools delayed 2.5 hours, my legs are not wanting to move for me today and tonight is a night I've been waiting for since December.
Tonight I was going to be taking Dalton to the Miami game, a gift for his birthday in December.
Dalton turned eleven, ELEVEN. That means we've been in our house eleven years. We have been friends with the Nielsens for eleven years. I have put all three of the kids on the bus through their grade school years. Gosh, it seems kind of crazy how time flies.
Speaking of time flying by. Twelve years ago today was the first official day of Tara living with us. Even though she had been with us on and off since the beginning of February my contract started March 1, 2000. Goodness, to look back… it's hard to remember how different things were for Miss. Tara. When going to Day Break Park on a daily basis was required. When going to Red Robin would result in food all over her hair due to her fear of balloons. When throwing her shoes, screaming, pinching and hitting herself were almost daily occurrences. WOW, it's been a great twelve years. I recall our first Trip together. We road tripped over to Glacier National Park over Memorial Day weekend. Poor kiddo, she didn't know us very well yet. We stayed in a Yurt I don't think she slept. I awoke in the morning needing a quick run to the restroom. So jumped out of bed, run out the door and start the car to drive to the restroom… HEY it was COLD.
I get back and Samantha tells me… "Tara jumped off the top bunk, ran to the door and said; "HEEEYYYY???!!". I told her I was still here and that you just went to the bathroom, Tara turned around and went back to bed without missing a beat."
Back then MM's were her favorite thing. We decided to take he Going to the Sun Road, which had just opened for the season the day prior. It's a beautiful drive through the National Park. We hiked a little, took lots of photos and stopped at the lodge for some great bread. We decided to drive the long way back and ended up going through to get our photo in ALBERTA just so we could say we did it. Picked up some stray dogs on the hwy going through the indian reservation. (realized they are all stray dogs, that belong to someone… so took them to the area we found them) Helped some folks with their broken down car. Finally as dark was coming down and Tara had really had enough the search was on. We NEEDED MM's. How do you explain to a human with Autism that the stores don't seem to be open and that the only store that was didn't have MM's. As we are driving towards our yurt in the middle of nowhere Montana, Tara is working very hard to get it together and she blurts out "its a BEAutiFUL NIGHT" words we kept saying because, well it WAS. She was saying it in a way to maybe warn us that our beautiful night was just about over. I'm not sure how we made it out of that one but somehow we did. Needless to say we always made sure we had a back up package from then on out.
Today Tara doesn't need to have MM's to make her life better. She doesn't require a daily drive to Day Break Park and she doesn't have daily melt downs. She has grown and is still growing. She is a mold breaker when it comes to what people think of when they think Autism. Of course this isn't to say that her Autism doesn't affect her in a negative way, but it is to say it's less and less all the time. She has found ways to let us know before she really blows to let us know, however subtle if you listen she gives you all the info you need to help her through. She is NOT captive by scheduling. She is more than capable of living in the moment. She knows that a change in plans usually means that the new plan is going to be so much better than what was planned.
Tara is an advocate for herself and people like her. She understands what it means when meeting with legislators not only on a local level but also a National one. She loves church and the people at church. Her favorite part of church is sharing the peace. Saying hello to everyone and shaking their hands. Her smile so big. She loves to be a greeter at the church doors, even when it's not her week.
We travel a lot. Tara loves to go in the Van. She loves to sit in the farthest seat back. Whenever we start to pack our bags she gets so excited about the adventure we are going to be going on. She is a trooper and understands my need to leave by 4am when heading out of Disneyland. She loves going to National Parks as much as Samantha and I do and quite possibly she may love cruising the ocean blue more than we do. Her favorite vacation is Disneyland. It's like a home away from home for her. She knows it like the back of her hand. She loves taking people she cares about to Disneyland. It's like she gets a kick out of seeing people go on rides and if you get wet on a ride, she is HAPPY!
Yep twelve years today. Twelve years of learning. Twelve years of growing. Twelve years of FUN. For a gal who said in high school that her dream job would be to live with a person with Autism it has been literally a dream come true. Tara has given me so much more than I can ever hope to give her. I think we make a good team. I love her dearly.
Tonight I was going to be taking Dalton to the Miami game, a gift for his birthday in December.
Dalton turned eleven, ELEVEN. That means we've been in our house eleven years. We have been friends with the Nielsens for eleven years. I have put all three of the kids on the bus through their grade school years. Gosh, it seems kind of crazy how time flies.
Speaking of time flying by. Twelve years ago today was the first official day of Tara living with us. Even though she had been with us on and off since the beginning of February my contract started March 1, 2000. Goodness, to look back… it's hard to remember how different things were for Miss. Tara. When going to Day Break Park on a daily basis was required. When going to Red Robin would result in food all over her hair due to her fear of balloons. When throwing her shoes, screaming, pinching and hitting herself were almost daily occurrences. WOW, it's been a great twelve years. I recall our first Trip together. We road tripped over to Glacier National Park over Memorial Day weekend. Poor kiddo, she didn't know us very well yet. We stayed in a Yurt I don't think she slept. I awoke in the morning needing a quick run to the restroom. So jumped out of bed, run out the door and start the car to drive to the restroom… HEY it was COLD.
I get back and Samantha tells me… "Tara jumped off the top bunk, ran to the door and said; "HEEEYYYY???!!". I told her I was still here and that you just went to the bathroom, Tara turned around and went back to bed without missing a beat."
Back then MM's were her favorite thing. We decided to take he Going to the Sun Road, which had just opened for the season the day prior. It's a beautiful drive through the National Park. We hiked a little, took lots of photos and stopped at the lodge for some great bread. We decided to drive the long way back and ended up going through to get our photo in ALBERTA just so we could say we did it. Picked up some stray dogs on the hwy going through the indian reservation. (realized they are all stray dogs, that belong to someone… so took them to the area we found them) Helped some folks with their broken down car. Finally as dark was coming down and Tara had really had enough the search was on. We NEEDED MM's. How do you explain to a human with Autism that the stores don't seem to be open and that the only store that was didn't have MM's. As we are driving towards our yurt in the middle of nowhere Montana, Tara is working very hard to get it together and she blurts out "its a BEAutiFUL NIGHT" words we kept saying because, well it WAS. She was saying it in a way to maybe warn us that our beautiful night was just about over. I'm not sure how we made it out of that one but somehow we did. Needless to say we always made sure we had a back up package from then on out.
Today Tara doesn't need to have MM's to make her life better. She doesn't require a daily drive to Day Break Park and she doesn't have daily melt downs. She has grown and is still growing. She is a mold breaker when it comes to what people think of when they think Autism. Of course this isn't to say that her Autism doesn't affect her in a negative way, but it is to say it's less and less all the time. She has found ways to let us know before she really blows to let us know, however subtle if you listen she gives you all the info you need to help her through. She is NOT captive by scheduling. She is more than capable of living in the moment. She knows that a change in plans usually means that the new plan is going to be so much better than what was planned.
Tara is an advocate for herself and people like her. She understands what it means when meeting with legislators not only on a local level but also a National one. She loves church and the people at church. Her favorite part of church is sharing the peace. Saying hello to everyone and shaking their hands. Her smile so big. She loves to be a greeter at the church doors, even when it's not her week.
We travel a lot. Tara loves to go in the Van. She loves to sit in the farthest seat back. Whenever we start to pack our bags she gets so excited about the adventure we are going to be going on. She is a trooper and understands my need to leave by 4am when heading out of Disneyland. She loves going to National Parks as much as Samantha and I do and quite possibly she may love cruising the ocean blue more than we do. Her favorite vacation is Disneyland. It's like a home away from home for her. She knows it like the back of her hand. She loves taking people she cares about to Disneyland. It's like she gets a kick out of seeing people go on rides and if you get wet on a ride, she is HAPPY!
Yep twelve years today. Twelve years of learning. Twelve years of growing. Twelve years of FUN. For a gal who said in high school that her dream job would be to live with a person with Autism it has been literally a dream come true. Tara has given me so much more than I can ever hope to give her. I think we make a good team. I love her dearly.
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