Oh What a Year.

By the end of today, 2013 will be a memory. It was a tough year. It was an amazing year. When I think of the tragedies of 2013, the things that got me down the most, I see death. There was a lot of death this year. Atoms, stings constantly. The pain it causes people on a daily basis is just, heartbreaking. The accusations, guilt, questions, lies, etc they eat people up; they don’t even realize it. Everyone wants to be able to grieve in their way, yet get upset by how others are grieving. Expectation and grief shouldn’t be put in the same sentence. I will never forget where I was or how I reacted when we found out. I knew death was coming, I just didn’t expect it to be him. That kid was a special one to me. We all failed him and instead of blaming each other we should be loving each other. Instead of blaming ourselves we should be loving ourselves. Learn. 19 and dead, because of his actions. It’s inexcusable; unforgivable. It’s just wondering who’s actions are really the inexcusable and unforgivable. None of us “belong here”, we all have feelings of doubt; of shame. It’s Love and telling each other what they mean to us. It’s Kindness.
Then we move into the most despicable behavior I’ve witnessed right next to an incredible amount of grace. I thought this sort of thing was a staged Jerry Springer type event. I didn’t realize that in the face of a dying family member people could be so cruel. It truly does show what ignorance does to perception. I lost a lot of respect for people in those days. What I gained was more though. To see grace performed right in front of me. While constantly being criticized and bullied, I saw a daughter who put her dying mothers needs before her own. I saw a daughter loose her last immediate family member while her extended family treated her with hate and disgust. I saw a daughter swallow her pride, sense of self, to do what was best for her mother. I saw grace in action. Then when all was said and done and decisions were voiced; a mother, obviously proud of what she heard, slipped away. It was beautiful and erased the ugly for a moment.
Death was everywhere, my grandmother, Cherry; Cousin, Elaine; Aunt, Donna; Childhood hero, David; and as embarrassing as this is I know I’m missing a couple. It just seemed to never end! I should also add that there were some pretty hard pet losses this year, not ours, but heartbreaking.
We had health scares this year as well as just health issues. Ourselves and our family and friends. Relationships lost, gained, strained and otherwise tampered with. Family Feuds to Newlyweds maybe this year was just a gameshow. Throw a kidney stone with surgical removal in the mix and you’ll get the gist of the year. (Please don’t ever tell me that I will have to wait 2 wks with that much pain, because I think you’re serious.)
So, when I think of 2013 my first thought is… Good riddance. Then, my head tips back, my lips softly curl up and I can feel my eyes smile. It was an amazing year. Samantha and I completed our first year as a Legally Married couple and are now FEDERALLY RECOGNIZED AS MARRIED, with the defeat of DOMA. AMAZING. We went on some wonderful vacations this year and experienced a new activity that is sure to be an annual must. (HellsGate River Tour, so much fun.) We enjoyed Disneyland FIRSTS. One with my friend and her family; On that trip we crossed off one of Samantha’s bucket list items by riding in The Lilly Belle Caboose. Yep, I’m awesome. We spent time with Samantha’s brother and his family and enjoyed Sophia’s first trip to Disneyland. It was the most magical time. I didn’t want to leave. Samantha and her brother, they just seemed to fit. It was very nice to see that for my wife. For the first time we went to Disneyland with the Maginnis’ and it was fabulous. It is a trip I will hold dear in my heart, spent with great people. People who understood the pain we were going through, with finding out about Atom, yet we still had the most amazing time. Cherished. I also was able to take a trip with my mom, friend and Tara to Disneyland. The highlight there was that in Sacramento Tara met a homeless man that seemed to really touch her spirit. It was cool and I have a photo.
We traveled for days and spent Easter with Jan and Mike in AZ. We met and had dinner with Steven and family; nerves on high and I was sick as a dog. We enjoyed Southern Utah with our good friends and took Bryce to Bryce Canyon. The year is good.
We refinanced our home as a MARRIED COUPLE and decreased our payment. AMAZING. Samantha is making huge strides with the Elder Justice Center. I mean things are good.
There’s more that happened and these really aren’t even the biggest events but they make a point to me. I’ve been studying Ecclesiastes quite a bit and it seems to be true. This wise teacher says, and I’m using my words here, It doesn’t matter what you do, what you own, what you did it’s all smoke and pissing in the wind. What matters is enjoying the people in your life. Drinking, eating, laughing, crying, experiencing. That’s what matters because in the end, we are all just going to turn back into earth.

So we need to quit judging each other for the way we go through life. We need to remember that everyone is on a journey that may have nothing to do with you. I love the people in my life and what this year has truly shown me is that my world is too big. I disappoint so many people because I truly want to be a friend to everyone, but I’m not capable. I’ve changed the way I look at things, and it has changed my stress level. I’m not saying I’m stress free but I’d like to think I’m moving towards a huge decrease. With that I also hope to decrease symptoms.

2013 has definitely been a year of reflection and self awareness. A lot of awareness of my inadequacies. Being married, has changed my focus. Not something I was aware would happen. The first year of marriage was the hardest in our 15 years together. I don’t know for sure what it was but it wasn’t good on either side. Expectations, not defined or known; maybe. It has certainly made me more aware of how my actions and reactions affect the flow of the house. I’ve tried to change from being completely selfish in the relationship to living for her. I’ve realized in doing that that my reality with her is better. Smiling it’s my favorite. She is my most important relationship and I’m happy to have her.

So as I say goodbye to year I’m ready to forget in one breath and gleeful about the next; as I look forward to 2014. I hope to continue working on me, my anxieties, health etc. I look forward to spending time with more smiles and tears from laughter than from pain. So for 2014 I resolve, to be the best me I can. To never think in my head “I should really go do…” and then not go do it. I resolve to quit thinking about the person I want to be and to just start being the person I want to be.

Lucky

Lucky Strikes a brand developed a hunded years before my birth, first as a chewing tobacco, later a cigarette. The first memories I have of my dad always have that white, red and black package in it. I remember Robin would make baskets, rings, necklaces, all sorts of different things with the packages when he was done smoking them. They were hardcore cigarettes, no filter, just a straight shot at Cancer and at the very least emphysema. He quit smoking Luckys and moved to a softer, Camel with a filter before finally quitting all together. In the end it didn't matter, in the end his heart and lungs couldn't take all the punishment he had doled out over 40 - 50 years of smoking.
He knew it would kill him and ever since he came into my life, I knew too. He talked a lot about how young he would be when his last breath would be.
Now a little more than a year after his death I find myself in search of and collecting Lucky Strike memorabilia. Why?!!! This stuff killed my dad why on earth do I feel the need to have it close.
It was the thing that he chose over all else to love the most and the best. He didn't realize the choice he was making, not at first anyway. Warnings came out, there were Smoke Outs, all kinds of government involvement to help us, him to save himself.
So now I search out the very thing that killed him. I get excited when I find something, makes me feel closer to him, to hold something he loved, he had to have.
Makes me wonder… What is the thing that will do that same thing to a child who has grown up around me. Slurpees? Disney Stuff? Food? makes me realize. I need to be more because the last thing I want to bring those who love me to is CRAP. I want it to be God, Nature, Animals. I want the item that brings me to death to be natural not man made with high fructose corn syrup or some item make in China or Hong Kong.
I want the thing that people cling to bring light to them. I need to change. I need to change.